12 Why am I doing it?

12 Why am I doing it? 

Many of my fellow inmates live in a kind of obscurity; some of them know what I do, it's not a secret: I told Eileen Finnegan, Jason O'Mighty, Fiona Leahy - I made it very clear that I was writing down every wicked thing that I experienced in the hope of publishing what they were doing, it wasn't a secret. Sometimes they ask me, "Why am I doing this? If this gets out I'll never have a chance for a social house or any kind of help from 'them' as they describe the local council. I'm fully aware of the risk I'm taking and as much as I was amazed and in love with Ireland and its people, I know that this culture is very much about revenge. I know that if I go away to rehabilitation I'll have nowhere to go in revenge. The council, or rather its specially dedicated unit, operates in such a way that it de facto blackmails people placed in shelters, convincing them that if they leave without their permission, not only will they not be allowed to return to the miserable conditions they offer us, but they will be out off the list of applicants for social housing. The fact that their internal regulations violate basic human rights - by limiting our freedom, no one seems to care. We are treated with contempt and visible disgust, each time showing superiority. This is done by clerks, whose goal should be to help people in need, not to harass them or organize something like the Hunger Games.

I have been living here for over twenty years, but deep down I am still Polish and there are two things that are important, I think, for every Polish person: dignity and a sense of purpose. After the special treatment I received in the office, I said to myself: “ok, maybe I have lost everything, maybe I have hit rock bottom, but there is one thing that no one will ever take away from me: my dignity as a human being”. The €242 a week they offer me in exchange for a prison bunk and some of my freedom is definitely not worth the humiliation, pain and real nightmare I am going through. No amount of money is worth this sacrifice, especially an amount that is too much to die and too little to survive. Recently I have become very religious. I spend a lot of time in local churches every day; maybe not praying in the strict sense of the word, but more in contemplation. My first days in Tralee were like a nightmare, I wanted to end my life and I was looking for a way to do it; I even turned to drugs; but as I wrote: "I can't afford the luxury of suicide right now". After a few days, a few prayers, hours of meditation, everything fell into place. In our daily lives, there are things: important and more important, and all my experiences that I am going through right now are not typical only for me; such is the daily life of the homeless in your beautiful Tralee. I am no exception, there are a whole lot of us (mainly Irish) in this: city, county, country. I have briefly described the reality prevailing only in Finnegan's, but in Tralee alone there are four such centers. Fortunately, I was not allowed to experience the reality of the exceptionally infamous Arlington Lodge. But people suspended in non-existence, de facto separated from society, exhausted by their daily fate, have neither the strength nor the desire to do anything. Sometimes, due to lack of education or other problems, they are simply unable to effectively fight for their rights (please don't get me wrong, I do not suffer from a superiority complex and I am fully aware of my limitations resulting from my knowledge of the language); but on Ash Wednesday, when I was really very close to ending this awful ordeal, after they moved me to a “quieter facility”, I realized that I have nothing to lose, because I had already lost everything and the only thing that could keep me alive is to be a kind of speaker for all those who are afraid to speak up because “if you cause trouble, you will get in trouble”. I don’t know what the future holds for me behind this particular corner. I am going to Poland soon for another session of physiotherapy, which is out of reach for me in Ireland. My physical and mental health is completely ruined. I have no savings or income apart from the supplementary welfare allowance, which I will not have access to in Poland. The physiotherapist will be paid for by my sister and one of my friends; for the first time I have no choice and I am at someone else’s mercy. However, my health is the most important thing to me and unfortunately over the last two months it has deteriorated drastically. After three weeks - my physiotherapy sessions are scheduled for a few days over a three and a half week period with the possibility of extension - I will return to Ireland. I have stored all my belongings here; I have lived my life here for the last twenty years. Every official asks me at the beginning of conversation about the option of returning to my home country (after twenty years I don't really know what that means): where? to my mother, whom I should be helping? It's a good thing they won't throw me off a cliff like in Sparta, getting rid of a thorny problem. I was working until the accident, and Poland has become a foreign country for me during all these years - I am cut off from the local reality, I have no connections there and most importantly: I have no relevant experience to find any job there. I have entered my 52nd year of life, so let's be honest, I am not the first target of headhunters, that is why I have tried and still hope to start a vocational course here to increase my chances of finding at least a part-time job. These are my plans - naive, because that’s how I am, but maybe I will succeed. But even if they use every possible means to make my life even more miserable, and even if I literally end up on the street, which is what I really expect, I can say one thing: "at least I tried". 

Besides that, like most people I am looking for meaning and explanation for all of that, which has happened to me. Everything, literally everything, sometimes in a very strange, incredible and mysterious way led me to Tralee, to this absolutely unknown world which, like most of you, I wasn't aware of. So hopefully by this article, a blog where I will post all updates, or longer story, which I am writing in Polish - because of my limitations - I would be able, even on the very slightly way, change the lives of those who, stuck in this hopelessness, have no strength or opportunity for any change, and if it succeeds in even one case, I will be able to admit with satisfaction, that all this hell I went through, was worth those tears, sleepless nights, humiliations and suffering, because “whoever saves one life saves the entire world”.